The Results of a bar fight between a GI and a German Soldier

May 24, 2014

What happens when a Yankee GI gets into a bar fight with a German soldat? A hypothetical comparison between the now-defunct Hummer H1 (2004 model just for kicks), and the partially hand built Mercedes-Benz G-class G550 (or, as they call it in Germany: Gelandewagen. There really should be an amulet over the “a” in the name, but unfortunately Google Docs won’t let me do it today. Curses to you, owners of Panera’s Internet modem, as well as to the sometimes glitchy programming of Internet sourced documents!

Ok, vent over. I am more than happy to write this one today. I thought of what could be a great article.

Ever wonder what would happen if an American GI got into a bar fight with a German soldat? I have. Turns out, America and Germany have once car in common: small dedication to military vehicles. No, I am not talking about the Jeep, Jeeps don’t cut into the niche I’m talking about. They’re also not tough enough. Behold, the now-defunct Hummer H1 representing the American side. Weighing in at nearly 7000 lbs. and totally retired from civilian duty since 2006, the H1 represents the amazing go-anywhere capability of military vehicles, as well as the hard-as-nails tough attitude of the American military, and so on and so forth. It also can ford water, and approach and descend very steep angles. The list goes on, and we’re going to compare it to the other tough military-based vehicle out there, still in production for American shores to boot: The Mercedes G-class, specifically the “base” V8-powered G550.

Powertrain/performance

First, let’s take a look at what’s under the hood. Hummer H1s pretty much had one engine: the 6.5-liter turbodiesel V8, yielding just 205 horsepower for the final consistent model year (2004). Hummer rated its torque at a robust 430 pound feet. The German’s choice of engine? The 382-horsepower 5-and-a-half liter V8, only powered by gasoline, of course. A heavy breathing engine, 32 valves yields a wide torque curve for it, with 391 pound feet from here to eternity. It was shared with other previous M-B cars and SUVs. Transmissions? Hummer made due with a four-speed automatic. The G has rocked a luxurious 7-speed for several years now. The G also boasts sprightly acceleration. Advantage:  Mercedes-Benz

Off-roading ability

 The distinction here is quite blurry, since both Hummer and the G can approach and descend steep angles, ford over 3 feet of water, and probably get bogged down in a mud pit. Most G-class users would think twice about taking their rig anywhere off the road, so unless Four Wheeler gets their hands on these massive rigs, you can’t tell with this one. Advantage: A draw

Fuel economy

The US government has not required cars to be rated for their gas mileage over a certain vehicle weight rating. They have never really disclosed why, but that it how it is. Many estimate between 8 and 10 mpg overall. However, the G wagon’s numbers are in: for regular G550 trucks, 12 city, and 15 mpg highway. Advantage: Mercedes-Benz, although unofficially

Marketing image

Like I said before, the H1 marketed a tough-guy image during its time. Some famous celebrities such as Arnold Schwarzenegger, were known to own them. Schwarzenegger actually purchased a small fleet of them back in the ‘90s. It shows that you drive the biggest American vehicle on the road, and you unabashedly want to let everyone know that you do. It is certainly a luxury item although not from a luxury maker.

There have been many jokes that folks who buy the Mercedes G-wagon only pay with cash for fear of being tracked by the IRS (due to illicit money making means). Supposedly, some bosses of gang members drive them, so some people who see the G-class roll often joke that it’s “gangbangers’ car.” There will not be a clear advantage here, as whatever you want to be viewed as will determine the wining choice here.

Verdict?

The Hummer unfortunately has no clear winnings in this case. Although it is rich in torque and can go anywhere, it was slow, even for a big diesel, and not much heavier than the Mercedes. It is probably hard to park, and very certainly not for sale anymore, but however you can find H1s used for the price of a brand new Mercedes E-class, or sometimes less. The G really excelled in every hypothetical category I could do, without real-world experience. So unofficially, the winner here is the Mercedes-Benz G550. Long live the German soldat, as he beat the Yankee unconscious in this fight.

Is More really Less? A lesson from Mercedes-Benz

Is More really Less?

Automobile Magazine did an article recently (Automobile, April 2014), in which writer Georg Kacher explained that more luxury car is significantly less substance than less luxury car. Specifically, supersize luxury cars such as the popular Mercedes S-class, Audi A8, and Jaguar XJ offer supercar specs in their top tier trim lines in their performance packages. Mercedes has offered AMG, Jaguar the R, and Audi Sport (or “S,” for short) in many of their car offerings.

Few realize that many of today’s luxury cars offer supercar horsepower and torque numbers as well as mind-numbing acceleration, but they are seen as too “prestigious” for many to notice them.  Most interesting is that a base S550 (449 in the new model) in the US really offers more horsepower than a Ford Mustang (420) or even a Chevy Camaro (426 w/manual). The AMG offers an unreal 577 hp in the highly optioned S63 AMG (nearly $140,000). Anyway, the point that Kacher made that although there was a comparison test between 3 cars to see which was best, they decided there was no winner because none of offer any more car than windmills of engines, but nothing to make the cars feel “special.” The S63 feels like a regular S-class with faster shifting and more livid acceleration. The S8 feels the same, almost like a rip-off of a Bentley really and the XJR (the faster version of an already fast luxury cat), well, it would be redundant to go there, wouldn't it?

Anyway, I am definitely agreeing with what Kacher wrote about. I would like to expand a little, and go as far as to say what with the exceptions of Bentley’s and Rolls-Royce cars, pretty much any car above $50 grand in the new car world is pretty much either worthless or a pretty poor value. There, I said it. Yes, the occasional $56,000 Chevy is a lot of fun (See: Camaro ZL1. See: 2013 Shelby Mustang GT500.) and would be amazing to take to the long highways of Texas or the Nurburgring racetrack, but other than that and the fire-breathing Shelby Mustang, the return on in investment for a car goes downhill. Yes, I mean all those six-figure  S-classes on the road today, which in terms of luxury features, is little more than a stretched E-class with a slightly more egotistical driver. Add the V8 to the E’s option list, and presto!-instant S-class, minus some legroom, and around $30,000 less than the cost of an S. Okay, case in point: 2014 middle-size E550, which has the compact twin-turbo V8, the same engine from the regular S-class, with many of the same safety technologies from the S, is only $62,000. The hulking S has started at more than $90,000 for nearly a decade. Other than legroom, what’s the real difference here? Certainly not fun, because I am not seeing any more prestige, panache, or noticeable differences between middle E and the pricey S. Do you?

Acura no longer to get bullied in the automotive locker room...

Thanks again for checking this out and. Chances are you if you have talked to me about cars lately, I have been negative about the dated looking designs or the crappy drive and such of how today’s cars are on the road, on the inside, or how they steer, etc. Yes, you may have been thinking, it’s that whole shabang again. Many have seen my previous post, which somehow scored over 100 page views.

Well, not anymore. Not quite, at least. They are not all garbage, not in the near future. The whole point of this rambling and, at least among those who like Japanese brands that are pseudo-American, Acura. Yes, Acura. Opened in 1986 as Honda’s only automotive offshoot branch not offered in other countries (here in North America and not anywhere else, that is), the brand has had some ups and downs, some hits and some forgettable misses (Acura ZDX anyone?). Nowadays, they are usually silver or white, midsize, and have a Honda engine underhood.  And very Honda-looking, which normally didn’t scare anybody off. Well, it looks like they are spicing that formula up, as they are releasing their 4th new model in two years, the new TLX.

TLX will be big news for Acura, as the outgoing TL was its longest running cars, even longer than the popular MDX crossover. This will be the first time the old car has been updated since its 2009 redesign, and technology-wise, its all uphill from here. Both TL and TSX are out, as TSX has not been as popular as they hoped.

Acura is hoping for a huge hit, as they have imported some of the tech from RLX, but with a German competition in mind. Now sporting as many gears as BMW and Audi, the base car will be powered by a 4 cylinder engine (think TSX) coupled to a new 8-speed twin clutch automatic transmission, a first right now for any car brand (Bimmer and Audi both have 8-speeds, but are not dual clutch). Optional is the familiar 3.5-liter V-6 (think TL) with a 9-speed automatic transmission (no dual clutch here). This beats the Germans, Americans, Japanese and the Swedish, and whatever other country you can think of, because this is it. 

Welcome to Shiftville, to you all who drive Acuras.

Gas mileage is expected to fly for all models, due to the gearing, and all are available with all wheel drive, now a permanent staple in luxury car dealer lots. Acceleration will be a cinch, with instant torque, power, traction, and a host of computers on board  easily clear 6-something zero to 60 mph time, ranging from 6 or so (4 cylinder/dual clutch) to as possibly as low as 5 seconds for the big V-6 (with 9-speed). The old 2.4 has been replaced with direct injection, and the thirsty 3.7-liter engine is out as well, for now.

Look out, America and Europe, because Acura is not bringing a knife to a gunfight, they may well have a “gun” now, and from the looks of it, it has magnum rounds.