The Results of a bar fight between a GI and a German Soldier

May 24, 2014

What happens when a Yankee GI gets into a bar fight with a German soldat? A hypothetical comparison between the now-defunct Hummer H1 (2004 model just for kicks), and the partially hand built Mercedes-Benz G-class G550 (or, as they call it in Germany: Gelandewagen. There really should be an amulet over the “a” in the name, but unfortunately Google Docs won’t let me do it today. Curses to you, owners of Panera’s Internet modem, as well as to the sometimes glitchy programming of Internet sourced documents!

Ok, vent over. I am more than happy to write this one today. I thought of what could be a great article.

Ever wonder what would happen if an American GI got into a bar fight with a German soldat? I have. Turns out, America and Germany have once car in common: small dedication to military vehicles. No, I am not talking about the Jeep, Jeeps don’t cut into the niche I’m talking about. They’re also not tough enough. Behold, the now-defunct Hummer H1 representing the American side. Weighing in at nearly 7000 lbs. and totally retired from civilian duty since 2006, the H1 represents the amazing go-anywhere capability of military vehicles, as well as the hard-as-nails tough attitude of the American military, and so on and so forth. It also can ford water, and approach and descend very steep angles. The list goes on, and we’re going to compare it to the other tough military-based vehicle out there, still in production for American shores to boot: The Mercedes G-class, specifically the “base” V8-powered G550.

Powertrain/performance

First, let’s take a look at what’s under the hood. Hummer H1s pretty much had one engine: the 6.5-liter turbodiesel V8, yielding just 205 horsepower for the final consistent model year (2004). Hummer rated its torque at a robust 430 pound feet. The German’s choice of engine? The 382-horsepower 5-and-a-half liter V8, only powered by gasoline, of course. A heavy breathing engine, 32 valves yields a wide torque curve for it, with 391 pound feet from here to eternity. It was shared with other previous M-B cars and SUVs. Transmissions? Hummer made due with a four-speed automatic. The G has rocked a luxurious 7-speed for several years now. The G also boasts sprightly acceleration. Advantage:  Mercedes-Benz

Off-roading ability

 The distinction here is quite blurry, since both Hummer and the G can approach and descend steep angles, ford over 3 feet of water, and probably get bogged down in a mud pit. Most G-class users would think twice about taking their rig anywhere off the road, so unless Four Wheeler gets their hands on these massive rigs, you can’t tell with this one. Advantage: A draw

Fuel economy

The US government has not required cars to be rated for their gas mileage over a certain vehicle weight rating. They have never really disclosed why, but that it how it is. Many estimate between 8 and 10 mpg overall. However, the G wagon’s numbers are in: for regular G550 trucks, 12 city, and 15 mpg highway. Advantage: Mercedes-Benz, although unofficially

Marketing image

Like I said before, the H1 marketed a tough-guy image during its time. Some famous celebrities such as Arnold Schwarzenegger, were known to own them. Schwarzenegger actually purchased a small fleet of them back in the ‘90s. It shows that you drive the biggest American vehicle on the road, and you unabashedly want to let everyone know that you do. It is certainly a luxury item although not from a luxury maker.

There have been many jokes that folks who buy the Mercedes G-wagon only pay with cash for fear of being tracked by the IRS (due to illicit money making means). Supposedly, some bosses of gang members drive them, so some people who see the G-class roll often joke that it’s “gangbangers’ car.” There will not be a clear advantage here, as whatever you want to be viewed as will determine the wining choice here.

Verdict?

The Hummer unfortunately has no clear winnings in this case. Although it is rich in torque and can go anywhere, it was slow, even for a big diesel, and not much heavier than the Mercedes. It is probably hard to park, and very certainly not for sale anymore, but however you can find H1s used for the price of a brand new Mercedes E-class, or sometimes less. The G really excelled in every hypothetical category I could do, without real-world experience. So unofficially, the winner here is the Mercedes-Benz G550. Long live the German soldat, as he beat the Yankee unconscious in this fight.